Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
Today has been a hard day for me. The vision is getting worse and the worse it becomes the faster the panic attacks come. I am now fully blurry with patches missing in my right eye and I am seeing a slight haze in the left eye now too. I am not sure which is worse the vision loss or the panic that comes at me out of no where.
I just I wish I knew what the plan was. I am trying to be patient and wait but waiting is not one of my strong points. I keep questioning God as to what is his plan for me. I feel so confused as to why would I have the miracle of my eyesight back fully only to start losing it all over again? I keep trying to make sense of it all. Looking at God’s beauty has always been a past time of mine. I love to look at stuff, I am a people watcher and nature lover. I also see Him everywhere I look. I can be in a terrible mood and walk out my front door and see a flower blooming or fluffy clouds in the sky and feel His peace begin to fill me within seconds.
Today I was planting flowers in my yard and I noticed a bird chirping very loudly. I looked up to see the bird but the tree leaves looked like green blobs to me so finding the bird was defiantly out of the question. Instead of looking for the bird went back to my planting listening to him chirp. The more I listened the sound began to bring me back to my childhood I remember I used to love to read in the yard with the sounds of nature all around me. I had forgotten as an adult that as a child I used to love listening to the different sounds different types of birds make. I used to give them names and make up stories in my head of what they were talking about. Today as I listened to that bird chirp another bird began chirping on the other side of the yard. A few minutes later more birds started chirping as if they were all having a conversation back and forth across the yard. Today I found myself wondering… Were they talking? If so what were they talking about? Maybe they were singing. Could they be singing about what a lovely day God made today? The breeze was slightly blowing. The temperature was perfect. I could smell the smell of spring in the air. I could smell the flowers I was planting; I also could smell fresh cut grass. I got so caught up in the wonderful feeling of spring that I don’t know I really needed to see it after all. I am not saying I can not see, because I can still see, though things are pretty blurry now. But what I did today was I saw things in a whole new way today. Could that be Gods newest plan, to help me notice ALL of His beauty he has created. To see not only with my eyes but with all of my senses, and also my heart? One thing I have found out through trial and error is that I can not even begin guess what God has planned. The human in me is always looking for an answer and trying to be in control. Today he gently reminded me that I am not the one who is in control, He is. I know He is God, He can do anything. I just have to trust him. why wouldn’t I? He has proven to me time and time again that he will take care of me. All I have to do is keep hanging on to Jesus and he will give me the peace I need to make it through.
When I look back on my experiences of last year when I was losing my vision I can see now what the plan was and it was a good plan. I am pretty sure that a year from now I will look back on this experience and see something big was in the works. A few months back I wrote a story titled “I was blind but now I see” about my experience with the vision loss. In that story I wrote- “If you asked me today would I go blind again? I would say YES. It has been a year today since this all started and it has been one of the hardest but also one of the best years of my life.” Did I write that?? Yes I did. Am going blind? Hopefully not but if I do I plan on fully recovering and I am ready now to try to bravely stand up with Jesus by my side and let him work out his plan. Last time this happened I did finally come to a peaceful place. I am not fully there to that place yet but I do know that without Jesus I would be in a lot worse place than I am now.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7