* A Note before the story…When I started this blog last year I started it because I felt like God wanted me to start it, I had no plan and honestly did not understand why God would ask me to do it because I am not a writer and I am pretty shy person. I have never really been the type of person who shares my personal feelings. Though its almost been a year since I started blogging each time I start to hit the send button I feel butterflies in my stomach but then I feel the whisper of The Holy Spirit telling me to do it, so I do.
Sometimes I go a long time without writing because I wait on Him and though I have blogged a few assignments for Compassion and I am second I still only post here what I feel God wants me to write. Last fall I wrote a story that I felt prompted by God to share but I did not share the story here because my human pride would not let me, The thing is most of my close friends and family do not even know this about me and many would probably say its not a true story because I hid it so well. Instead of putting the story here where I know God wanted it to be in the first place, I started a different blog and posted the story there and then about 2 days later took down the blog.
It has been several months since I posted that blog and more than a year since I wrote it and I have not a clue why, but God is still bothering me to post the story here so I am doing it today. Something I am learning the more I continue on this journey is that though I have free will to do what I want when I do not stay in his will I can not seem to have peace. Below is the story I posted on my other blog Sept 12, 2012.
I never fully surrendered the alcohol. I don’t know why because I really know I don’t need it. It does not fit in with the plan God has for me. I can’t keep going on day after day with the thought in my head that one day I will be able to drink again.
Last night I made myself a rum and coke. It made me sick, and it did not make me feel like I thought I would feel. It made me feel so awful, not only did it make me feel physically sick but I felt spiritually sick too. The truth is last night I realized for the first time ever that I had not ever wanted to be released from its grip.
Looking back over the past year I asked myself, “why do I ever want to go back there to that place”? It was a terrible place. It was full of nothing but loneliness and pain.
I realized last night I can not keep taking God for granted after what He has done for me. I can’t waste another second of my life anymore with such nonsense. I can not keep putting my trust in a bottle of lies.
I am not sure why I thought I may need that stepping stone again one day, because I know today I don’t need it. Its a stone on top of quick sand. The more I drink the farther I sink down to the bottom of a pit of despair. I know the only way to survive is I have to be strong in Him. It has to start with me giving it up, using only God as my crutch turning to Him and only Him, not that poison I drink.
I am not the type of friend who breaks promises so I am not sure why I keep breaking promises to the best friend I have ever had. God would never break his promises to me. He always has mercy on me, he always has grace and Always keeps his promises. He can be my victory if I stay in his army because He is my rock and my firm foundation. He’s all I have that will remain in the end. I know I have to let that awful part of me die so the good part can live. When I live the old life I am dead when I live His life I am alive. I am not if sure I will ever get over this struggle while I am on this earth but I know I have to try.
“Please God give me the strength help me put it away. I feel like I have a war going on in my mind. I know I have the best weapon in that war. I know I have the best armor for the fight, I just have to remember to use it. I have to walk only with you holding my hand, not a bottle in my hand. Today I admit I am an alcoholic. I have to stand sober so I can stand strong. You God are my victory, Please help me, I need and want to win this fight” Amen
** Note of Joy** I wrote this in my journal over a year ago. Life can sometimes be tough and I know that if not for God I would not be where I am today still not drinking and truly living for the first time in a very long time.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all this through Christ who gives me strength.