I Surrender

* A Note before the story…When I started this blog last year I started it because I felt like God wanted me to start it, I had no plan and honestly did not understand why God would ask me to do it because I am not a writer and I am pretty shy person.  I have never really been the type of person who shares my personal feelings.  Though its almost been a year since I started blogging each time I start to hit the send button I feel butterflies in my stomach but then I feel the whisper of The Holy Spirit telling me to do it, so I do. 

Sometimes I go a long time without writing because I wait on Him and though I have blogged a few assignments for Compassion and I am second I still only post here what I feel God wants me to write.   Last fall I wrote a story that I felt prompted by God to share but I did not share the story here because my human pride would not let me, The thing is most of my close friends and family do not even know this about me and many would probably say its not a true story because I hid it so well.  Instead of putting the story here where I know God wanted it to be in the first place, I started a different blog and posted the story there and then about 2 days later took down the blog.

It has been several months since I posted that blog and more than a year since I wrote it and I have not a clue why, but God is still bothering me to post the story here so I am doing it today.   Something I am learning the more I continue on this journey is that though I have free will to do what I want when I do not stay in his will I can not seem to have peace.   Below is the story I posted on my other blog Sept 12, 2012. 

I Surrender

I never fully surrendered the alcohol. I don’t know why because I really know I don’t need it. It does not fit in with the plan God has for me. I can’t keep going on day after day with the thought in my head that one day I will be able to drink again.

Last night I made myself a rum and coke.  It made me sick, and it did not make me feel like I thought I would feel. It made me feel so awful, not only did it make me feel physically sick but I felt spiritually sick too.  The truth is last night I realized for the first time ever that I had not ever wanted to be released from its grip.

Looking back over the past year I asked myself, “why do I ever want to go back there to that place”?   It was a terrible place.  It was full of nothing but loneliness and pain.

I realized last night I can not keep taking God for granted after what He has done for me.  I can’t waste another second of my life anymore with such nonsense.  I can not keep putting my trust in a bottle of lies.

I am not sure why I thought I may need that stepping stone again one day, because I know today I don’t need it.   Its a stone on top of  quick sand.  The more I drink the farther I sink down to the bottom of a pit of despair.  I know the only way to survive is I have to be strong in Him. It has to start with me giving it up, using only God as my crutch turning to Him and only Him, not that poison I drink.

I am not the type of friend who breaks promises so I am not sure why I keep breaking promises to the best friend I have ever had. God would never break his promises to me. He always has mercy on me, he always has grace and Always keeps his promises. He can be my victory if I stay in his army because He is my rock and my firm foundation.   He’s all I have that will remain in the end. I know I have to let that awful part of me die so the good part can live. When I live the old life I am dead when I live His life I am alive. I am not if sure I will ever get over this struggle while I am on this earth but I know I have to try.

“Please God give me the strength help me put it away. I feel like I have a war going on in my mind. I know I have the best weapon in that war. I know I have the best armor for the fight, I just have to remember to use it.  I have to walk only with you holding my hand, not a bottle in my hand. Today I admit I am an alcoholic.  I have to stand sober so I can stand strong. You God are my victory, Please help me,  I need and want to win this fight”  Amen

** Note  of  Joy**  I wrote this in my journal over a year ago.  Life can sometimes be tough and I know that if not for God I would not be where I am today still not drinking and truly living for the first time in a very long time.

Philippians 4:13  I can do all this through Christ who gives me strength.

6 thoughts on “I Surrender

  1. Terra says:

    T,
    (HUGS TO YOU) It is quite amazing and just like our God to bring us to a place to act in obedience. He’s a God of second chances. Even when we don’t listen the first time, we are given chances to do right and you did such things. Stepping away from self in pride to obey The Lord is encouraging for anyone struggling. Allowing yourself to be transparent is a blessing and I believe others will be affected by it and blessed as well.

    Walking hand in hand with The Lord and TRUSTING Him in every aspect of your life; our lives, we cannot go wrong! He will not steer us wrong! Praises to Him always!!

    God bless your heart dear sister. I am so thankful to have come to know more about you through what you are lead to share. Sending hugs once again with my prayers as The Lord uses you for building up others and encouraging them because there IS hope. Jesus is our Hope.

    Sorry to write so much but I can’t help but rejoice when I hear of the goodness of The Lord and the testimonies from brothers and sisters who have shared their hearts and experiences.

    Much love to ya in Christ,

    Terra

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  2. T says:

    Hi Terra, I really appreciate your kindness and encouragement. You are so right He will not steer us wrong, and yes praises to him always, Thank you for reading and by the way you did not write to much it was just perfect 🙂 God bless you 🙂

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  3. Freedomborn says:

    Hi T, as I read your very honest and heart moving story about the battle you have had and are having, I felt if only I could comfort you face to face, to give you the hope you need for a better tomorrow but perhaps sharing how I overcame a very strong Addiction to Gambling may encourage you. It almost destroyed my Marriage, lead to more sin, which robbed me of peace and respect for myself and then I even thought about commiting suicide, blieving that even God could not Love me, but He resued me, forgave me , healed me and delivered me from the Addiction.

    I went to G.A meetings for 3 years but then went back to Gambling and it was worse because I felt I had failed, one of the problems now with these Help Groups is that you condition yourself to believe that you are a Gambler or Drinker ect and always will be but God tells us to reckon ourselves dead to sin, not keep saying we will always sin such as Addictions leads to or claim we will always be in bondage to them, He tells us He has set us free and that as we think so we are and do.

    When I was delivered from Gambling after coming to real heart repentance, I was a Christian before but only in my head not my heart, I was also Maraclesly healed of two life threating conditions. Four years after this, I went through a time of Temptation but what I did was call out to Jesus and ask for His help because He tells us, no temptation will be greater then we can bear and He will help us if we ask Him but He dosen’t make us ask, He never goes against our free will. I believe 100% what Jesus tells us and so I did not go into the Hotel but keep walking and have never been tempted since because I’m no longer a Gambler, I haven’t gambled for 16 years and never will because Jesus will keep me strong till the end regardless of what the Temptation is, I Trust Him with all my heart.

    You are very much in my heart too T and I will continue praying for you and I very much value your prayers for Ron and I.

    Christian Love Anne.

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    • T says:

      Hi Anne and yes you are right I do believe as you do that he can keep us strong. When I first wrote that it was privately written in my journal and since then I do not drink and I do not even think about it that often other than to walk right by on my way to pray. I was a closet drinker I did not ever let the drinking affect my job and never got into trouble with it. My husband and I spent a lot of time traveling staying at resorts and going to wineries where the alcohol flows freely so to everyone else I just looked like I was doing good. At home I would drink every evening just a glass of wine with dinner ( I told myself) which turned into a bottle of wine by time I went to bed. Also when I was having other struggles in my life that is where I turned to numb the pain. But that was before Jesus. I still have normal daily life struggles but I no longer turn to drinking. I now know who to turn to .. Jesus 🙂 thank you for prayers, sharing your story and also for your encouragement. Life can be hard at times but thankfully we have a savior and He will hold us up. God bless you Anne praying for you too.

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  4. Amber Lea says:

    Thank you Terri, for sharing your struggles and triumphs. I know it’s a difficult thing to share our faults and mistakes. But it is also a blessing, for you in being obedient to God, and for others to know they are not alone in their struggles. Sometimes we can become trapped by the thinking that we are the only one suffering in our own personal trial, and the guilt and condemnation sets in. That only makes the problems worse. Many times hearing that someone else has or is struggling with the same issues, can help to bring hope, especially when we are led to Jesus for the answer. He truly is the only one that can deliver us, and for many, the only way they will ever know this is when we share that truth with them. My ex-husband is an alcoholic. It destroyed our marriage, and almost took his life as well as our son’s. I am thankful to say that finally, after so many years of pain and misery, it was through our son reaching out to him and begging him to come back to Jesus, that he was finally able to surrender the alcohol. By the grace of God, he’s been sober now for three and a half years, and living his life for God has given him peace. Thank you for sharing your touching testimony, you may never know how it will bless someone else, so keep writing. Hold on to the hand of Jesus, never let it go. He is indeed able to help us through anything we face. I’ll be keeping you in prayers, for strength, faith and courage all your days. God bless, Amber

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    • T says:

      Hi Amber, Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your story I am so glad your ex-husband came back to Jesus and was able to surrender the alcohol, Jesus is the awesome healer and we can do anything with Him. I will add your family to my prayers also.

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