January 1, 2012…that was the day I started this blog. I really had no idea what a blog was other than I felt like God wanted me to start one. What would I write about? I’m not a writer. Will anyone read what I write? Those were the kind of questions that kept filling my head but I did it anyway.
A shocker to me was that the readers came. As time went on I became more comfortable with sharing my thoughts, and oddly the readers still kept coming back. Most of the time I never really paid much attention to the stats or how many people had actually read. People clicked the like button and people commented, over all the blog seemed to be going pretty well.
But then my worst fear happened….
More people I knew in my personal life started reading. People from my personal life had read the blog before but it was starting to get to the point that every time I posted someone would come up to me and say “I read your blog….”
Nothing bad was ever said to me, actually everyone always gave me very sweet and positive comments, but suddenly I found myself afraid to post. I feared that the people I knew in my real life would see what I wrote and think I was weird or something. It was like suddenly the inside of me was out there, exposed for everyone to see.
When people I had never met face to face read what I wrote I was brave but when my real life friends began reading I suddenly felt frozen with fear of what would they think of me.
I never stopped writing but found that t I couldn’t seem to post anything anymore. I would write, then read what I had written and then tell myselft it was too weird or not good enough. When I wasn’t posting I called it writers block but now I call it something else…FEAR.
Now let me tell you about my weekend.
Saturday… Lately God has been leading me in a new direction. It’s far from where I feel I have been since starting this journey with him but the crazy thing is that over the past few weeks…. Or make that months there have been many little poofs of eye opening things that he has sent me that have shown me this is for sure the direction he is sending me. a few weeks ago I even had a moment that I realized WOW I was already there and didn’t even know it! But now I feel as if he wants me to take it farther and that is pretty scary to me. I am not sure how to start or where do I start… how do I do something I know nothing about??? I know this is probably not making any sense and I started this paragraph with Saturday but never started on Saturday uggh! If you could just hang with me a little bit longer I will try my best to spit this out.
Back to Saturday…Saturday morning I was praying… journal by my side… suddenly I find myself on my knees saying… “God how do I do this? What do you want me to do??”
Most of the time when I pray especially when I pray on my knees I lean over my bed and I have this cat that will come on the bed and stand in my face meowing while messing with my hair and stuff. This day as I prayed I heard the pages of my journal turning. I thought it was the cat at first but then I realized it sounded as if he was turning pages one page at a time like a person would turn them. Just as I was coming to the realization that this was not my cat and also that he was nowhere near me I heard the words “open your eyes!” I opened my eyes and right in front of me I see my journal laying open with one paragraph blaring out at me “Not only do you have to go through the door, sometimes you need to go up to it and put your hand on the knob. Don’t be afraid!” The crazy thing about this story is that my whole journal is written in pencil but that one paragraph written on March 10, was written in red ink! I have no idea why on March 10 I wrote one paragraph in red ink, but there it was blaring out at me. And That moment I knew the door to where God was leading me was there for me to go through but I hadn’t actually allowed myself to open the door because I had been afraid to open it!
Sunday…. Sunday I went to church. I’m sitting there and the band starts playing while they are collecting the offering. The words to the song started going through me.. words like, I was unworthy and Jesus you saved me… I really can’t remember the words very well but suddenly from my place in the back of the room I see the place I am in right now and I am in awe of God’s presence and how he has brought me to this place. Memories started pouring in… memories of me in the parking lot of that very church 5 years ago afraid to come in yet there now because Jesus had brought me here. As I sat there I realized I was a part of something way bigger than I could ever have imagined being part of and living a life so drastically different than it used to be.
Fast forward to the sermon. Our youth pastor was sharing his own story of God in his life and he was talking about surrendering. He started talking about how some of us had things that we needed to surrender to God. I felt myself trembling while he spoke and having tears but yet at the same time thinking I had nothing to surrender. At the end of the sermon he said that the alter was open for people to come up if they had something to surrender. I heard God tell me to go up. I was like “go up for what? I have nothing to surrender” God said, “yes you do, your fear of what other people think of you.”
I was like, ”um God you must be mistaken, I don’t care what they think.”
He said, “yes you do, your trembling in fear…(I was) now go up there.”
In my mind I was thinking, “oh God, I can’t go up there in front of all of those people…I’m too scared!”
The struggle went on for what seemed like forever but then the next thing I know I am blubbering at the altar.
I can’t explain how I felt after that but it sure felt good! Something inside of my seemed to break yesterday. Not broken in a bad way but broken somehow in a good sort of way. like a huge weight was lifted off of me.
Yesterday I surrendered my fear of what other people think of me to God. I know today that as long as I carry the weight of that fear I can never ever accomplish anything He wants me to accomplish.
So today I am here fearless. No back reading, no changing words to make this post how I think you my readers and my friends may want to see me… Instead its just what it is… words I am writing for God. I am not quite sure why he wants me to share this stuff but because he wants me to do it I am going to do it. Also since today is Monday and on this blog on Monday it is Music Monday I am going to share a song that is playing while I write this that seems fitting to this post.
‘More of Me’ by Colton Dixon I hope you enjoy it.
So today’s post was about giving away fear and surrendering to God’s will, who knows what it will be the next time, but I plan to keep writing here as long as God wants me to write.. no matter who is reading 😀
What do you need to surrender? Like me, maybe you can’t see it either. If you want to know just talk to God he’ll show ya.
Have a great week!