At a Loss for Words

Today I went to visit my dear friend. Her husband met me at the door, his eyes filling with tears. Though he tried to keep them in some managed to flow down his face anyway. He told me he thought his wife was not going to make it to Christmas.  I had no words. He said she was just lying in bed all the time now and that she could not walk, would not eat, and that she could barely speak.  I could tell he was also trying to prepare me for what I was about to see.  No amount of preparation could have ever gotten me ready for what I saw today.  My once tough and strong friend now looked so small and weak lying in her bed gasping for breath as she slept.

He woke her and told her I was there, she opened her eyes and looked at me her eyes lighting up for a brief second before she closed them again and went back to sleep. Her husband went to the store for a few groceries and I stayed with her.  I am not sure why but for some reason I climbed in her bed and sat in it with her just watching her as she slept. She drifted in and out of consciousness and memories of the two young girls we used to be flowed through my head.  Happy memories of us singing, sleepovers, Friday night skating rinks and dancing to Saturday Night Fever songs.  As grown women we now always joke about when we are old ladies someday we will be still dancing to Staying Alive.  As I watched her take each labored breath I wondered after each one if she would take another, or if maybe that breath was going to be her last. I find it ironic how Staying Alive takes on a whole new meaning today.

After a while she woke up and wanted to sit up, she was so weak she could not raise herself to sit up on her own. I could tell it was really hard for my independent willed friend to allow me to help her sit up. Once she was sitting I looked into her tired beautiful brown eyes and saw the eyes of my friend which were so full of determination and light a few short weeks ago had now grown dim. She looked at me and started speaking each word  was an effort for her to speak.  She said she had fought for 6 months and that she knew she was not going to make it and then she said that she was not ready to die yet. Her words ripped my heart out, I already knew she was going to die but was not prepared for her to say it to me. When I was faced with her voicing it out loud I was frozen, and had no words of comfort for her.  I grasped for something anything but nothing came.  I was silent because I didn’t know what to say.  All I could do was reach out to her as I tried to hold back the tears that wanted so bad to just let burst forth. I just felt so unprepared for this moment and any words that came to my mouth just seemed so lame.  This sort of thing does not come with instructions and I just wanted to be able to fix this, “I need the instructions” went through my mind.  I kept silent while prayers were screaming in my head, prayers to God asking for the words but they just never came.  All I could manage was just to sit there and hold her and pray with her.  She knows Jesus and I know she will be in heaven with him soon and she knows she will be in heaven, yet she isn’t ready to go yet. She wants to stay on earth and see her grandkids grow up. She wants to be here for her kids and her husband. She doesn’t want to leave them yet.  She has the most beautiful and perfect new home waiting for her to come move into yet she wants to stay in this home to take care of her family and live the life that she has here.  What could I say to that?  I am not sure anyone knows what to say to that.  I sat with my friend feeling so broken hearted for her until she drifted back off to sleep. I watched her sleep a while longer and then I got up to go. Before I left I kissed her on the cheek and told her goodbye for now. As said goodbye she woke up for just a second and said, “I love you too,” and then she went right back to sleep.  As I write this I wonder if that was our last conversation on earth and if next time I see her it will be in heaven. I still keep praying for that miracle that she lives, but could it be that the miracle is that we not live here on earth but that the miracle is that we live forever in heaven?

I pray that when God decides its time for her to come home that she will be at peace and joyfully step into her new life knowing that those she leaves behind will be okay.

I wish I would have had some great words of comfort for my friend today, but no matter how I look at it death from our earthly bodies still just somehow seems sad and there will be a hole in my life when she is gone.  I will miss her tremendously when she goes but I really have a feeling she will not miss me.  I think she will be pain free and so happy in heaven that she won’t even think about missing her life here and I am thankful for that.

How Well do you Know God?

heart

Have you ever had a friend that you can pretty much predict what they will say or do because you know them so well?  The more you are around someone the more you get to know them and know who they truly  are. The same goes for God, the more you spend time with him the more you will get to know him and know who he truly is.

Ask yourself today… What do I know about God?  Who is God?

I don’t mean just what you have heard about him but how well do you personally know him?  Do you know him from spending time in the Bible and spending time with Him or do you know only what other people have told you about Him?

If you want to be really good friends with someone you gotta take the time to get to know them personally.  The same goes for God, he loves you always but if you take the time to get to know Him personally He will be the best friend you ever had.

Get to know him today,

Blessings,

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Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. John 15:13

To read the rest of the posts in this series you can click here – 31 Days of Hushin’ My Mouth

31days

To read the rest of the posts in this series you can click here – 31 Days of Hushin’ My Mouth

#write31days

Waiting For A Scrap

 

miss me

image astorybyme.com, quote, author unknown

I started writing this post over a year ago and it is one of many posts that I have stored on my computer that I’ve started and never finished. Today as I was reading this I realize that a lot has changed since I wrote it so I decided maybe it was time to finish it.

I left the beginning just as I found it and I wrote the ending today.   Maybe the reason I have so many unfinished posts is because God is not finished with me yet.  Maybe I have to grow a bit to be able to finish them…

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When my kids were little we had a dog named Bandit. When we first got Bandit my kids were very young and he was a puppy.  You could pretty much figure that wherever the kids were that is where you would find Bandit.  If they were playing outside he was outside playing with them. When they went to school Bandit would walk with them to the bus stop where he would wait with them until the school bus came.  After the kids got on the bus he would chase the bus down the road as fast as he could run until the bus would eventually outrun him and then he would turn around and come back home.

In the afternoon when it was time for the school bus to return with his kids he would start waiting on the front porch about 15 minutes before it was time for them to be home.  When he heard the bus coming he would gallop happily down the road to greet them He would be so happy they were home and they would be happy to see him. He would then hang out with them the rest of the day. No matter what they would be doing he would be right there in the middle of it all.  Baseball games or running along side of them riding their bikes.  He was part of the family and one of their closest friends.

As the years went by the kids grew up and the school bus was replaced by cars and the little kids grew into teenagers.  During that time our whole family had very busy lives.  The kids were involved in school activities and sports and they spent a lot of time away from home doing things that teenagers do.  No matter how busy we were every time anyone came home Bandit come running to greet them.  Sadly the kids didn’t play outside with him to much anymore and it seemed like a lot of the time the most attention he got was a quick pat on the head as they were passing him on their way in or out.

Bandit loved those small scraps of attention and it did not matter how much or how little attention he got he would always be happy to see his kids and he would always greet them with excitement.  Bandit was truly one of the most loyal friends anyone could ever have and he loved everyone just because he did.

I look back on this now and it seems sad though Bandit always seemed like a happy dog. My kids are all grown now and Bandit passed away a long time ago but for some reason today I was thinking about Bandit.  Thinking about him got me to thinking about friendships and about how Jesus is my friend.  Jesus is the most loyal friend a person will ever have and sadly I will have to admit that just like Bandit there are days he gets only small scraps of attention.  Some days I have been guilty of hitting the ground running the minute I opened my eyes in the morning and then rushing through my day.  There are days that maybe a quick “thank you for this meal” before dinner is all he gets.  Yet he will still be there every single day loyally walking beside me ready to give me all the time I want with him, should I choose to want to hang out with him.

I am not sure that I am quite as loyal of a friend as Bandit or Jesus in that sort of situation.  I know what it is like to be someone’s last choice.  I have been the last choice friend a time or two in my life and the truth is I have totally swung the whole scrap of attention thing the other direction.  If I get the slightest inkling that I am the one pursuing the friendship all the time and I am never being pursued that’s when I decide I am not needed anymore or that I am being a pest and then I just quietly go away.

I don’t want to make Jesus my last choice friend.  I know I should treat others in the way I want to be treated, so why don’t I do the same with Him that I want others to do with me?

What if I came to Jesus today wanting to talk to him and he said, “Oh I’m sorry, I have so much to do today, I will have to get back to you tomorrow.”??? 😦

That is where I left off writing last year.

When I started this story a year ago though I was recognizing that I should put Jesus first in my life, I was still not always making Him my top priority. At that time I was also going through a rough patch with illness and pain and depression.  Some days I smiled on the outside while I was crying inside.  I remember wanting to hide how I felt from everyone yet at the same time I just wanting someone to know and to contact me, but how could they know to contact me if I pretended I was good?  Through it all Jesus was there the whole time trying to make contact with me.  He never gave up and usually always succeeded in one way or another to get my attention. A lot of time he would come by way of another hurting person and somehow some way I would see him there.  Over time I realized that instead of running from him in my time of need that I needed to run TO him.  The more I ran to him the more I realized  I don’t want to just throw him a scrap of attention every now and then, I want him to have my first attention all the time. I was pretty down this past year but now I feel blessed by it all and this has been a truly life changing year for me. I can’t wait to see where the next year goes.

The quote above I see a lot on Facebook It says ‘If you start to miss me remember I didn’t walk away, you let me go’. In our friendship with Jesus we do have the free will to walk away if we want to, but I think once a person has let him in their life he won’t ever walk away from them. He doesn’t move away, if anyone moves away in the relationship it is us.  Jesus is the best friend I have ever had and I am so thankful that on the days I ignored him he did not decide he was unwanted and make the decision to go away. He is a loyal forever friend and instead of leaving He kept pursuing our friendship even more. Even in my darkest days He was there breathing light in my life. He had claimed me as his friend and I am so thankful that I claimed him as mine.

Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. ~ John 15:13

The Gift of Time

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Thank you to My Friend

Dear friend,

Thank you for taking the time for me

For listening to me even though you have heard it all before

Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.  John 15:13 

For being a shoulder when need to cry

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 2Corinthians 1:3-4 

For your honesty even though I may not always agree

Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice. Proverbs 27:9

For your patience

And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone 1Thessalonians 5:14

For your kindness and encouragement

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, Hebrews 10:24 

For loving me for who I am

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 1 John 4:7

You have no idea how big of a difference you make in my life 

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.  Proverbs 27:17

I just want to say thank you, your friendship means so much to me

Love, T

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: 10 If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.  Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Friendships Made In Heaven

This blog is from my friend Anne at http://www.freedomborn.wordpress.com/ We always have a friend in Jesus.  He sends us friends to help us on our Journey through this life.  I am so very glad he sent me all the wonderful friends I have but most of all I am so thankful Jesus is my friend. Thank you Anne for posting this for me.

Freedomborn

 You Are Special In Someone’s Life!
  Friends are those ones we turn to when our spirits need a lift and they know we are there for them too and will see them through… 
 
Friendship is a gift we Treasure encouraging and uplifting each other through the
 good and bad… 


 
A True Friend is someone who fills our lives with Beauty, Joy and Grace because we let them have first place…
 
 And this makes the world we live in better and
happier because it’s all about God’s Grace
which can’t be misplaced… 
 This  Miracle called Friendship, that dwells within our heart we need to know how it happens and how it gets its start and then we can know for sure it will continue on…   

 And become a beautiful song, for when we seek Love with our all no matter how big we are or how small,we will know the special…

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