What’s the Plan?

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

Today has been a hard day for me.  The vision is getting worse and the worse it becomes the faster the panic attacks come.  I am now fully blurry with patches missing in my right eye and I am seeing a slight haze in the left eye now too.   I am not sure which is worse the vision loss or the panic that comes at me out of no where.

I just I wish I knew what the plan was.  I am trying to be patient and wait but waiting is not one of my strong points.  I keep questioning God as to what is his plan for me.  I feel so confused as to why would I have the miracle of my eyesight back fully only to start losing it all over again?  I keep trying to make sense of it all.   Looking at God’s beauty has always been a past time of mine.  I love to look at stuff, I am a people watcher and nature lover.   I also see Him everywhere I look. I can be in a terrible mood and walk out my front door and see a flower blooming or fluffy clouds in the sky and feel His peace begin to fill me within seconds.

Today I was planting flowers in my yard and I noticed a bird chirping very loudly.  I looked up to see the bird but the tree leaves looked like green blobs to me so finding the bird was defiantly out of the question.  Instead of looking for the bird went back to my planting listening to him chirp.  The more I listened the sound began to bring me back to my childhood I remember I used to love to read in the yard with the sounds of nature all around me.  I had forgotten as an adult  that as a child I used to love listening to the different sounds different types of birds make.  I used to give them names and make up stories in my head of what they were talking about.  Today as I listened to that bird chirp another bird began chirping on the other side of the yard.  A few minutes later more birds started chirping as if they were all having a conversation back and forth across the yard.  Today I found myself wondering…  Were they talking?  If so what were they talking about?  Maybe they were singing.  Could they be singing about what a lovely day God made today? The breeze was slightly blowing.  The temperature was perfect.  I could smell the smell of spring in the air. I could smell the flowers I was planting; I also could smell fresh cut grass.  I got so caught up in the wonderful feeling of spring that I don’t know I really needed to see it after all.  I am not saying I can not see, because I can still see, though things are pretty blurry now.  But what I did today was I saw things in a whole new way today.  Could that be Gods newest plan, to help me notice ALL of His beauty he has created. To see not only with my eyes but with all of my senses, and also my heart?  One thing I have found out through trial and error is that I can not even begin guess what God has planned.  The human in me is always looking for an answer and trying to be in control.  Today he gently reminded me that I am not the one who is in control, He is.  I know He is God, He can do anything.  I just have to trust him. why wouldn’t I?   He has proven to me time and time again that he will take care of me.  All I have to do is keep hanging on to Jesus and he will give me the peace I need to make it through.

When I look back on my experiences of last year when I was losing my vision I can see now what the plan was and it was a good plan.  I am pretty sure that a year from now I will look back on this experience and see something big was in the works.   A few months back I wrote a story titled “I was blind but now I see” about my experience with the vision loss.  In that story I wrote-  “If you asked me today would I go blind again? I would say YES.  It has been a year today since this all started and it has been one of the hardest but also one of the best years of my life.”   Did I write that??  Yes I did.  Am going blind?  Hopefully not but if I do I plan on fully recovering and I am ready now to try to bravely stand up with Jesus by my side and let him work out his plan.  Last time this happened I did finally come to a peaceful place.  I am not fully there to that place yet but I do know that without Jesus I would be in a lot worse place than I am now.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

Patience and the Automated Phone System

Earlier today I found myself on the phone with an estimated wait time of 5 minutes or less.  It had already taken me only about 5 minutes to get to the 5 minute waiting point.  I had done what we are all familiar with…called the phone number pushed the right prompt to be prompted with more prompts then finally getting to the place I thought I was supposed to be only to be asked for my access code… access code? I have and access code??   I ignored the access code prompt 3 times and held my breath hoping the system would not hang up on me.  Oh the joy I felt when a recording said “we are sorry there seems to be a problem we are sending you to someone who can help you” Yeah!  A live person!!  I hear the familiar clicks, a ring, then another click and I am told I have an estimated wait time of 5 minutes.  I tried to be patient; I put my phone on speaker phone and worked on something else while I waited. There was a friendly recorded voice on the other end telling me over and over again all the wonderful things that the company had to offer me.  ”Why not have more employees to answer the phone?” I muttered to myself, nobody could hear me I was being patient… wasn’t I?  After about 4 and a half minutes I noticed the friendly recorded voice I had been sarcastically talking back to was suddenly silent.  Holding my breath I peaked at my phone, just as I suspected… I had been disconnected…

In the Bible it says in Colossians 3:12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

Wow is that hard to do. In my home when no one can see me do I really have to have patience?  Who’s it going to hurt?  Nobody will know…right?  WRONG, God still sees me.  He knows everything I do.  I still see me and I know everything I do.  Would Jesus act like I did on the phone?  Would he talk to the recorded voice on the phone sarcastically like I did? I know it seems minor in the scope of things but really that tiny bit of impatience got my blood pumping for at least 20 minutes.

How many times have I found myself getting all the red lights when I am late for work or behind the lady with 6 kids spread out all over the place in front of me in the store?  What could I have done to have more patience or what may I have missed while I was steaming?  During those times at the red light I could have been checking out the beautiful sunset.  In the store I could have been noticing the cute little child laughing as she was skipping along without a care in the world.  As far as the phone I can not think of anything I could have been enjoying more than maybe a real live person on the other end taking care of me immediately with no prompts and no holds. But it’s really not all about me is it?   And that is where the patience part comes in.  I think maybe I could try to be patient just a tiny bit harder or actually a whole lot harder.  When I am patient it really does make for a better day.  I know I will never be perfect, but  the more I walk with Jesus by my side  the more often I  catch myself when I am not behaving patiently.  I am so glad Jesus has patience with me 🙂

1 Timothy 1:16 But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life.