Disaster’s Pass

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Retina scan September 3, 2014 – Vitreous gel pulling on my retina stretching it into a cone shape.

I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed.~ Psalm 57:1

My friend Judy sent that scripture to me.  As is I sit here in the retina doctor’s office once again I cling to that promise.

I have been thinking about Paul lately.  Paul was the first person I ever studied in the bible.  I was new to the Bible then. I was also new to Bible study class and having my first eye problem that first time I read about him.  He went blind, I was going blind in one eye, he was healed and I was healed, talk about God and perfect timing that was the most perfect of perfect time ever for me to be learning about him.  During that study I remember reading that Paul had some sort of thorn in his flesh I have often wondered why God did not take it from him.

Lately I am beginning to feel like these eye issues and health problems could possibly be my thorn.  It seems like this past couple of years I have had more health problems than I’ve had over my whole life.

I am wondering why I can’t seem to be well of my eye issues. For over 3 years now I have had eye stuff of some sort going on.  I get well and then something new comes along and not only do new eye issues come along some of them seem to be things that are ongoing and require a whole lot of waiting. I think I may be learning to be patient….This latest eye thing has been going on for over a year.

Something that I have recently noticed is that every single time I have some sort of health issue it seems like I usually end up I growing much closer to God during it.  I also noticed that each time I also seem to come out stronger somehow than I was before. I realized as I sit here today what a huge learning opportunity this whole ordeal has been.  Also how brave I have become.

I used to be afraid of the eye doctors, I remember being afraid for them to just look in my eyes.  I feared they may touch my eye.  To me eyes seem squishy and fragile and I get so squeamish to really look at or even think about them to much.

When my kids were young I could handle any crises with my kids like a pro.  We went through a few broken bones and several stitches and I was actually very calm…. But if they got something in their eye I would freak out!  I am the mom who drove her child a 30 minute drive to the eye doctor to have the doctor remove a stuck contact lens from the bottom of her eyeball because I was to squeamish to even look in her eye!

Now days when I visit the eye doctor they eye drop my eyes with drops that sting and then numbing drops to make them numb before they poke me with dangerously sharp looking instruments, while temporarily blinding me with the bright lights.  I have had my eye washed out with soap and had 3 eye injections! As I write this I realize that I seem to be a pro at the eye doctor now because most of that stuff does not phase me anymore.

Question for myself…. If I am such a pro then why do I dread being here so bad today?

Answer…. Because even though I feel confident in God I still do not like all this stuff, and I can’t say that I think I ever will like it.

The truth is I am really afraid of the unknown in my future sometimes.  What other new, painful and scary things will I have to go through?  Often over the past year have thought of Paul and all the horrible stuff he went through.  Nothing I have been through even comes close to the stuff he went through and yet he kept on trusting God, believing in him and telling people how awesome he was.  Could it be that going through hard stuff is actually a good thing?

A lot of people have been praying that God will heal this.  A week ago I thought he did heal me, the flashing in my eye had stopped and I started seeing perfect and I claimed my miracle. Now here I am a week later, sitting in the doctor’s office again with more flashing in my eyes, and a circle of light around my vision.  I want so badly for all of this to end but oddly at the same time I feel thankful for all that it has taught me…rely on God and trust him no matter what… Though this is going on today i still hear his voice telling me that everything is going to be okay.

Today as I travel through this minor rain shower I know there are people who are in a full out storm… As I am writing this I pause and I look around this room. As I look around I realize the room is full of people going through a storm of some sort. Do they know they are not alone?

I wrote the above today as I sat in the retina doctor’s waiting room waiting for my doctor to come in and examine me.  Where I ended it is where I was at when she came in the room.

This next part is what happened after she came in……

After my eyes were dilated and scanned the doctor told me that I had healed!  She told me that the drug she ordered to release the vitreous gel from pulling on my retina was no longer needed and that the macular hole had shrank! She thinks the hole it is healing though she told me that it is very rare for a macular hole to heal by itself.  I told her that it did not heal by itself that God had healed it 😀  I go back in a month to see for sure if the hole has healed completely, though I know already it will.

As sit here tonight I realize just how quickly things can change in a matter of minutes.  As you are going through your life today remember everything here on earth is temporary but God is forever.  Trust him with your life because he gave you your life.  If you know him share him with everyone because someone shared him with you. Just as my doctor came in today I had wondered if the people in the room knew they were not alone, from this day forward I want to take the time to make sure everyone I meet knows that they are not alone.  If you are reading this and don’t know Jesus take the time to find out more about him I promise you will be glad you did. Here is a good link with some information -> Know God.  Or if you have questions about God leave me a comment, I will be glad to answer as best I can.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:1

healed

Retina, scan September 17, 2014 – Vitreous gel released, retina back to normal.

Lightning Flashes

English: Bow Light

English: Bow Light (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

For about the past month and a half I have been having eye issues again.  If you have been reader of mine since the beginning you already know about my past eye issues. I was finally released from the retina doctor and then new things started happening in my ‘good’ eye this past  July.

You would be amazed at how much stuff has to happen just right inside your eyes for  you see clearly.   If one tiny thing gets out of whack you can see all kinds of odd things.

In July it was lightning flashes, then a grey shadow and today add to that a clump of black floating bubbles to go along with the black floating spider webs, shadows, glowing and the blind spot that I have become accustom to in my other eye.

Some days I struggle to keep away panic attacks as I try hard to see past the odd things going on in my eye.  One eye was pretty scary but I could take comfort in knowing I had a spare eye.  Now that my spare has an issue it is a whole harder for me to deal with. Sometimes I find myself wondering if one day I might not have the blessing of seeing all this crazy stuff floating around and instead see only darkness.  When I start thinking like that I have to yank back all the pity party invitations and choose to see joy through the mess of stuff that seems to be tangled up inside my retina trying to block the view.

Breathe in ‘Jesus is Lord’  breathe out, ‘Lord give me peace’

The other day my husband Mark and I were driving down the interstate on a beautiful sunny day.  As we were driving along Mark said, “Look at the rainbow!”  I looked in front of us and there it was, right in the middle of a sunshiny day a magnificent rainbow! We both wondered if maybe it was raining up ahead.  As we drove I noticed lightning flashing around the rainbow and said “yes it must be raining up there, look at all that lightning!”  My husband looked and said, “I do not see any lightning.”  I looked again, again I saw lightning, he did not.  Suddenly it dawned on me that I had finally became so used to the lightning flashes in my eye that I could see through them most of the time, so much so, that when I did see them I thought they were real lightning!  I am not sure when it happened but like each new thing that has happened inside my retina eventually I had gotten used to the lightning  also.  I  thank God because without him I am not sure if that could have ever happened or that I could have had peace in all this.

So today I see bubbles and as I cling to God and try hard to push down the panic I think of the rainbow and how I am thankful. Each day is a blessing and I do not want to ruin this day by worrying about tomorrow, though at times I find myself wanting to see ahead, wishing so bad that God would give me a tiny glimpse of the plan.   All I can do is take comfort in the fact that he has never left me before.  He has always given me peace and strength I need to keep on going and I have always came out in the end thankful and blessed by the outcome. Today I will trust.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.  Matthew 6:34  

Thank you for reading,

T

As I was writing this I noticed this song playing on my radio and thought how perfect!  Enjoy –  You Never Let Go by Matt Redman

*The “The Breathe Prayer” I said in this post was something a friend told me about a long time ago, so I am not trying to take credit for writing it, I say it all the time and it works  🙂 Breathe in ‘Jesus is Lord’  breathe out, ‘Lord give me peace’  If it belongs to you let me know and I will add your name to this post to make sure you get credit  🙂